Painting the Town Red – An Exposé

According to Wikipedia, the world’s most reliable and #1 News Source, the Prime Minister of New Zealand is a fair looking young man named John Key.  What they don’t tell you is that this man is a puppet – he has no free will.  Key is merely a spineless marionette in a much larger scheme.

The puppeteer?  You ask.  Who is this string master?  It is, of course, Vodafone.  Vodafone, being the only discernible option to obtain a cellular telephone in this entire archipelago, has dominated all communication, and probably listens to your conversations, too.  You’ve seen them everywhere.  Even when you think your safe at Uni there’s a store right in the quad.

But it doesn’t end there.  Vodafone is not the ultimate master.  Everyone, nay, everything in this country is run one big fat red W.  The Westpac.  ASB, The Bank of New Zealand, all shams.  They don’t control anything.  Have you ever seen anyone use them – no, didn’t think so.  The Westpac, NZ’s premier banking establishment as well as most popular ATM, is running this entire country behind closed doors.  It’s already the largest bank in Australia, and even has ties to China – that’s a big red flag right there.  The smartest part about the whole thing is that they’re not hiding anything, they just throw it right in your face, daring you to question it.

The Westpac (rumored to be in cahoots with the demon Bazza) is conveniently located every half block in NZ and has no problem giving you lots and lots of colorful money, just don’t expect to see your card again.  Just ask DK, he’ll tell you his sob story – but be warned, you may never be the same after hearing it.  The Westpac, never one to be lax, does not stop at simple brick & mortar locations, but goes so far as to send the Westpac Buggy through the Domain and flying the Westpac plane high in the sky, dropping money on all us mindless cattle.  Hell, they even have their own rescue helicopter!  It’s a commonly known fact in NZ that if you find the end of a rainbow, a Westpac ATM will appear.

Though most NZers are all too content to turn the other cheek while The Westpac takes control of their democracy, one man is leading his crusade to expose these atrocities.  A legend of local lure, this champion of humanism and social rights has seen what this flawed system is capable of and will take it no longer.  He’s spoken of just as much as Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster, but sightings of this man are much more common and much less pleasant.  His name, simply McQuiggles.

While others may sit in their fancy highrises and simply comment on the issue, McQuiggles is out on the streets, bearing the cold in his leather crime-fighting jacket, and making a difference.  While most barely even know their own children, McQuiggles is out there finding strange children and making impassioned speeches to them, not dissimilar to one Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.  But McQuiggles doesn’t selfishly ask for his dreams to come true, he asks only for a cigarette in return for his underappreciated lobbying.

When reached for comment, McQuiggles was quoted as stating, “Heh botta gabba gona bak a wahhh I know you have a cigarette behh komna ick,” followed by some more lighthearted raspy slurring.  He then eventually said something inappropriate about our mothers’ birth canals, to which we were forced to terminate the interview.

As it stands, no one is exactly sure of Westpac’s agenda.  It may be to spread Communism, or it may simply be to steal DK’s debit card information.  But at least we could rest assured that one champion of a man is out there, going to bat for all of us.  Sort of like NZ’s Hancock, McQuiggles has become a superhero of sorts to the local children.  Everyone knows that when Superman or Spiderman are around there must be danger near, so Kiwi kids that catch sight of McQuiggles are smart enough to immediately run away from him in order to avoid any potential danger.  Let’s let McQuiggles be an inspiration to us all.